i do not want to feel sorry for myself
i do not want to be angry with others
i do not want to be jealous of others
i do not want to keep wanting to be more like others
i want to be contented
with what i have, who i am
because i am blessed
i have a my loving family, boyfriend and friends
what more can i ask for?
i may not be as smart as others
i may not be as talented as others
i may not be as pretty as others
i may not be sweet-tempered as others
but i should be contented
because i have nothing i should complain about
help me to change my temper
to control my fluctuating emotions and overly emotional self
to control my strong headed and stubborn nature
to control my evolving temper
to be more like my old self
more mild-tempered and carefree
thinking too much will only bring myself more troubles
maybe being simple will make me happier
i really think too much
and get too affected by others' actions and emotions
i need to be more rational
i am blessed
because u provide for me
i know u always give me the best
because u love me
thank you for loving me lord
i am finally relieved of my presentation and quizzes for this week!
really feel very relieved
cox have been freaking out the entire week
and loved the bugis trip with the boyfriend jus now
except the movie is really a disappointment
i wish i am less bothered
in fact why should i even care
but the fact remains is that i am irritated by just thinking about it
there is no reason or rationale behind it
it's just me
stupid dumb me
i know it is wrong to behave this way towards others and totally so not me
to keep being angry
now i end up being frustrated with myself
for not being 大方
for being petty
it is so so unlike me!!
i hate myself for being this way
i keep telling myself to not think so much
but it keeps coming back
argh
i wish to go home
in the end i dun even know who or what i am upset about anymore
i am just so sick of trying
of trying to be tolerant and understanding
and to be nice
can someone enlighten me what exactly am i upset about?
sighz
i need some space
yet i wish someone can understand the depths of my emotions too
super duper irritated!
i think we all feel let down
and disappointed in you
and somehow i wish you know it
it's so difficult to suppress my emotions
argh
Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.
audit, attestation, assurance, reviews, compilation, tax services, accounting and bookkeeping, Management consulting services
OMG!
why do accountants/auditors have to provide so many different types of services
and then now i have to learn all the different terms
but they all sound almost the same to me
die die
cant differentiate!!!
sch has officially started!
full of mixed feelings actually..
i sometimes love the busyness of school and that gives u the feeling of satisfaction
that makes u feel that you are growing as each day passes
with new knowledge
and seeing how all the stuff u have learnt fall into place slowly
and then u will start to see the role u play by doing your job well
how one auditor's mistake can cause so many investors to lose billions of money
omg!
sometimes i really wonder how i survived my course
especially when i tried to teach willy yest
i felt there are so much accounting stuff i dunno well
hahas i am a horrible student
but yet i also dread waking up early
i miss lazing around and watching shows all day long
i finally understand what i am feeling
i was trying to escape
trying to prevent myself from being too attached to hall
so that when graduation comes
somehow i will not miss hall and the friends so much
and maybe it will be easier to let go
but guess i am giving up that thought
i will cherish what's left of this sem
and appreciate the simple pleasures of life!
:)
eeeks
having quiz this friday
can't believe it
it's like only 1st week of school!
am glad rui jie is back in school to accompany me
but feels weird that kenneth is going MIA since he is on IA
kinda hoped everyone will be all tog this sem
so that if we do meet up for meals or outings
we can all go together!
finally solved my deloitte problem
argh
their email system do frustrate me though
took quite a few calls to solve the issue
I've realised that I am too focused on remembering that I'm growing up
that I fail to see that other people around me are also growing and aging with me
like my siblings, family and grandmas
i think it's cox i'm so used to them being around
that i have never ever wondered or remembered
that as i grow older each year, they are also aging with me
my view of them has always stay the same way
remained stagnant in the way how i use to see them when i was young
ah ma will always be ah ma
mummy n daddy will always be mummy and daddy
in my view
they never age
or rather i do not see the difference
but until recently
i feel that time has certainly caught up
my siblings have grown up
my parents are no longer as fit as before
grandma can no longer take care of me
in fact now it seems like it is time i took care of her like how she took care of me when i was younger
and somewhere somehow their white hairs sprouted out
but in my eyes, they seem to be stuck at an age that i rmb them to be
to me, my parents are forever in their forties and my grandmas in their seventies
until i realised it's no longer the case
ten years has passed
yet my image of them did not change
only now when ah ma is sick
have i realised that my memory of them is not realistic
i feel scared all of a sudden
how age has caught up with us all
i feel afraid to age
of the illnesses and inconveniences, the loneliness it will bring
i do not want to age without a spouse
to be the one left behind
or to be sickly and face difficulties in going about my daily life routine
and most importantly
i do not want any of us to be apart
or rather i fear for the day
sometimes whenever daddy's phone rings, i fear that someone is bringing that news to us
i really hope ah ma can wait to see my sister's wedding
suddenly i feel life is really fragile
If you never felt pain,
Then how would you know that I am a Healer?
If you never had to pray,
How would you know that I am a Deliverer?
If you never had a trial,
How could you call yourself an overcomer?
If you never felt sadness,
How would you know that I am a Comforter?
If you never made a mistake,
How would you know that I am a forgiver?
If you knew all,
How would you know that I will answer your questions?
If you never were in trouble,
How would you know that I will come to your rescue?
If you never were broken,
Then how would you know that I can make you whole?
If you never had a problem,
How would you know that I can solve them?
If you never had any suffering,
Then how would you know what I went through?
If you never went through the fire,
Then how would you become pure?
If I gave you all things,
How would you appreciate them?
If I never corrected you,
How would you know that I love you?
If you had all power,
Then how would you learn to depend on me?
If your life was perfect,
Then what would you need me for?
So many whys we often have
but i know there is a reason for everything
i thank god for he is good
today was a lovely day spent with reen
we spent hours talking at suki sushi
i love how we can switch from one topic to another at ease
even though we do not meet often and are now in different schools
the bond still exists
i'm glad to have u as a fren
because u made my day!
i feel cheered up already
i start to teach myself
that i cannot have too much hope and expectations of another person
in the end
i will only hurt myself
went for EY's networking at giraffe restaurant and bar today!
loved the place
so romantic and relaxing!
wavered a little over my decision
but think will stick to the original plan
afterall it's like my dream company
and i do hear alot of people are joining Deloitte too
:)
on my way home
i saw this middle aged couple coming home together after work
hand in hand walking home
the feeling of having your spouse with you after a hard day at work
i felt a sense of warmness just looking at them
somehow i think one's fatigue will automatically dissipate
the sense of coming home to a loved one seems so sweet
and at that moment
i decided
i want to get married
and have kids too
because after watching the 9pm show (Together)
where the guy was so upset when he was castrated
i suddenly felt that kids do kinda complete the family
having a child to share your blood and genes seems so wonderful
to be with you even in old age
i finally understand why each child is a gift from God
and after the networking sessions i have been to
i kinda want to start to work
to embrace the challenge
where late nights and a lack of social life will be inevitable
and i think satisfaction will come
was watching a japanese drama recently called real clothes
the main female lead came to a point where she had to choose between marriage and her career
and i sudddenly felt that i wanted both
i do not want to give up everything that i worked for anyone
yet i also want to settle down with a person i love
i hope i never have to face a decision like her
all in all
i feel that i have attained some sort of maturity in this period of time
through many sources
i suddenly thought through many things that i always considered as " it can wait till i am older before i need to think about it"
such as job & career, marriage,children and family
i always thought it is better to be a career woman
and never settle down in life to get married, and especially not to have kids
but suddenly i feel these are important milestones in your life
that gives your life meaning and significance
things that allow u to look back in life and say i have done it with satisfaction and to the best of my ability
and for now
i need to focus on my short term goals
disappointment
despite knowing your limitations
your comfort was important to me
yet u were not there.
today was a emotional roller-coaster for me
or rather the past few days
been on bad terms with daddy
and being alone doesn't help much
grandma is not getting better
actually worse
i feel sad
i cannot imagine myself growing old
is it going to be an accumulation of wisdom or a day when i start to feel tired of living?
though grandma has many people who care about her
i feel sad that she has got another stroke and is now unable to express herself
i feel her frustration as she tries to make herself understood
i feel her boredom and her want to go home
i feel her fear as she worries about her health
and i feel guilty for hiding the truth from her
i wonder if she knows that her life is creeping away from her, that we do not know how long she can live to survive the cancer,
sometimes i wonder if she knows and is just keeping up the pretense to prevent us from worrying, after all she probably knows her body best
but actually
i wonder if it's better to just tell her and let her have the will to fight on for herself
for once, my work experience at the child care centre came into handy
i tried my best to care for her despite the language barrier
i now understand why caregivers are so admired, it is so difficult to serve selflessly and unconditionally
watching all the people walk by as i waited at the mrt platform
made me lost in thoughts
and i did not understand why i was suddenly feeling wetness around my eyes
i started to wonder what lives do these people lead
do they have sickly parents at home?
do they have lots of friends?
are they stressed at home?
could it be their happiest day or their most unlucky day?
most importantly, have they found meaning in their lives
or just going through the motion every day?
and i do not know what will happen to me in the future too...
accompaniment of friends sure is good emotional therapy
makes me forget what i was initially unhappy about
i love how i can be at ease around them
i love the fact that i can just not say anything around them and just walk silently beside them, listening to them chatter away about gossips and stuff
that i can add in an occasional word and not be ashamed of saying the wrong stuff
although sometimes i feel awkward that i have nothing much to contribute to their topics
and am afraid that they do not like my company
but i still feel comforted by their presence
maybe it's the feeling of something old, something new
the memories that we have shared together
that they were part of my past and am glad that they are still part of my life
that they know many of my secrets, my flaws and stuff i wan to forget
yet also those that i love
i feel that even though we may not know every detail of each other's lives
somehow we still share a bond
i can always hold onto a belief that no matter what happens, grudges will be forgotten, that disputes will ultimately be resolved
and the friendship will still remain
maybe it will and has weaken with erosion of time and places
but there will be always be a thread linking us together
i remember the promise we had of sitting together once more
sharing our wedding plans maybe 5 years on from now
i hope this day will come
sometimes when i feel lonely and alone
i comfort myself that at least i have a few close friends
that i know in times of need,
they will be there
whether to chide me
whether to dry my tears
whether to give me a hug
or just to sit beside me
i am still grateful to them
to my dearest friends
S & J
D & W & J
If I turn back time...
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