SoLiLoQuy

Sunday, July 31, 2011

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had an outburst during cep during
never knew i had so much deep felt emotions abt my job that i needed to vent
when we were discussing abt the different stages of lives we were at
and i was asked to share abt mine
i totally jus ranted about how sick i am about working
being jaded and not knowing what is god's will for me in my career
i feel that these few years of my life are super messed up
i feel very lost
i have no idea what i want in life
and i do not know what God wants me to do actually
accountancy was never my choice and all this time, i am simply hanging in there jus bcox i am either too lazy to go figure out what i really want or simply because i just dunwan to waste all these efforts i have put in so far

after ranting all to the others in my cep grp
the older adults were very encouraging
they told me to persevere on
auntie chun cheng says frm her experience as a hiring personnel in a bank
that i need to hang in there for at least 2 more years
because this is the foundation i need to move on further in my career

all thru out our lives
we are seeking god's will
i know God's hand is in every step i take
i realised that even though sometimes i may take the wrong step
he somehow can turn it into something good in the end

i am slowly figuring out recently
that maybe God does use me in his own ways
it is interesting to see how my profession can help him build his church in many ways
1) being treasurer in upcoming Assembly Bible Camp 2011 (ABC)
2) in the Young Adults Committee
3) helping out in financial portion of the building & renovation works
i see a lack of ppl who are in my line of profession in church
and hence maybe he saw the need to develop me in this area

even though all i see in my future now is a blank
but i tink all i have to do is trust and know he will guide

If God closes this door, then i believe he will open another window for me...

on a lighter note,
i need to design a night cycling t-shirt by 20th!
the event is gona be on 29th aug

tried wild honey with suez n joycie tdy!
besties always!
yums love having breakfast there
even though it was alr 4 plus
we waited almost an hr to be seated
abit overhyped
but otherwise a very chill place

i alwys thot as long as i put up a happy front
no one will know how messed up i am inside
but guess i was wrong

europe shld be a good chance to take a break frm my messed up life for a while

wishing upon a star at...|9:07 PM|

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Friday, July 29, 2011

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i know everyone is envious of my europe trip
but somehow i can't make myself happy abt it
i feel that the only reason i can be happy about leaving is that i am kinda throwing all my problems in sg and running away

somehow try as i might, doing everything i can to make myself happy with the meeting of all my frens and eating all the things i like,

i still do not feel complete.

wishing upon a star at...|9:33 PM|

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it's amazing how little things around u remind u of someone
whenever i go to a place which i have went with another person before
i will recall the previous experience
sometimes i look back with a smile on my face
but sometimes i look back, wishing i can turn back time
wishing that we are still that way

i wonder if our paths were actually meant to cross in the first place
i wonder if things wld have turned out differently if we moved on slower
and if i din take things into my own hands
i wonder if there was supposed to be any future
and sometimes i almost imagined it to be a sweet dream
that seems so distant and yet recent
almost unattainable once more

every experience is a learning journey
everyone is precious in my eyes
because they all contributed to a beautiful memory that i will keep

joanna asked me what makes u happy in life and
she asked me what makes me sad

what makes me happy:
being loved makes me happy

what makes me sad:
when things do not go the way i want them to and when i feel that i have put in my best effort and yet i do not get what i feel i deserve

dear joanna, i hope u find ur true happiness in Him
we're all truely blessed in our own ways

whenever i feel upset
i will count my blessings and thank Him for giving me so much
a wonderful & loving family
a roof over my head
financial security
frens who care for me
then i will feel ashamed for feeling sorry abt myself

recently i have been keeping myself occupied to keep out the emptiness within

no one is irreplaceable
and i suppose i wun be an exception to anyone too
sometimes it can be difficult to live with this fact
but we all got to face it i guess

looking back, i sometimes wished i was more appreciative of others' efforts
because maybe that is a way of saying that i really care too

wishing upon a star at...|9:10 PM|

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Sunday, July 24, 2011

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tired but happy!
finally finished 6 days of feasting and meet-ups with everyone!
yaysie!
feeling super fat!
having gone thru 2 buffets and 3 birthday celebrations which equals to cake!
faints
lotsa foodddddd in my tummmy
hahahas

i tink i am gona get roped in to help out for the preparation of the financial costing portion of the proposal of the A&A works being proposed to HDB for the renovation of church
suddenly got a call from uncle tuck keong today when i was abt to leave church
called to go for some urgent meeting
totally caught off guard
he din even ask me beforehand abt it
sighzzz
to think that i was just praying for open doors and opportunities to serve recently
but then at the same time, was also worried since i am currently also helping out in the church camp planning committee and the young adults ministry
though all these involvements are all on an ad hoc basis
i am still kinda afraid i can't cope

but i have already decided that if anyone asks me to help out in anyth relating to church work
i shall not reject
so there goes
pray hard for me tt i can cope with all that i have on my plate, in conjunction with work amongst other things kk!
:)

my snr ryan keeps smsing stuff i need to do for BR!
ahhhhh
stressed!
:(

wishing upon a star at...|8:31 PM|

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Saturday, July 23, 2011

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this week has been hectic!
has been and will continue to go out from tues to sun!
superrr tired now
but feels really fulfilling
happy to see all the friends that i seldom meet
esp before i fly off to europe
which explains why i am so proactive at asking to meet them now
bcox it will be 2 long weeks before i come back!

workwise, has been doing ad hoc Blackrock stuff
it's seriously neverending
am so sick of it
i tink this will continue till end of august or sth
let's hope it wun drag on
dec year end job do until aug v lang bei lei
sighz

am super sian
got 2 super shitty jobs in the month of oct that totally spills into my bdae week
i had this idealistic wish of going taiwan during my bdae
sighzz which will never come true now seeing the current situation
argh i dunwan to work with the person on my job!!!!
:(
luckily i managed to take leave on my bdae!
so i dun have to work on tt day
yays!

am compiling an album of photos for this week!
yays!
love taking photos!

so many restaurants i wan to try!
em by the river
wild honey
indochine
etc...
i really tink alfresco restaurants are very romantic
and places like demsey and clarke quay still seems to hold some sort of fairytale like charm over me
everytime i go these places, i feel like falling in love
and will have a thot of going these places with the person i love
hahahas

i really tink i sux at taking care of myself
always thot i have improved but gex not much afterall
hahahs
got a blue black without knowing how i got it, and now it's super obv
ate ice cream, forgetting that i am nt supp to cox it's the time of the month
and now suffering the consequences for it
forgetting to bring my cardigan to work and shivering like crazy today
etc..
need to be less forgetful and take care of myself!

if there is currently no one who is willing to take care of me, then i ought to take care of myself!
cannot be reliant on others anymore
sighz

wishing upon a star at...|1:22 AM|

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Sunday, July 17, 2011

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sometimes i tink God must have a really hard time with me
i must be the most stubborn and rebellious child of God
hahas
he often has to prompt me so often till he ends up shouting at me before i come to my senses
by the time i actually listened to him, i will be so bruised and battered by the trials and struggles i went through
which is really dumb of me
bcox i could have simply listened to him in the first place and avoided all these unnecessary sufferings
but it is jus my human nature

which is why i can really identify with the song "Thank You Lord"
which a verse goes like this:
"But it goes against the way i am
to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all i do
Because when those trials come,
My human nature shouts the things to do
and God's soft prompting can be easily ignored"

am really glad that i went for today's morning ministry and cep!
morning ministry was by uncle kenneth wong
and it was really good
on the parable of the sower
in particular the seeds that fell upon thorny ground
"the thornies"
these seeds which received the Word of God are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures
he then went on to explain these 3 thorns individually
what really spoke to me was the thorn of worries/cares/pressures of life

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6 -7

"Cast all your cares upon him for he cares for you" 1 Peter 5:7

time and time again he reminds us that worry is a sin
but i've always been a worrybug
especially in recent months

cep was especially applicable tdy
it was on the last few chaps of Job
we were discussing on the topic of how Job asked God for answers to his suffering
and God replied by revealing his sovereignty and how he is in control of all things
i have been asking God for an answer in the recent months and have been wondering why God doesn't answer me or maybe he has answered and i have been not listening?
but i realised that God answers in ways unique to each individual that only the individual himself or herself will understand, in his own time
God will not deny anyone of an answer because like a father to his children, God is a revealing god and would want his children to understand his rationale behind his actions
Job 42:1-2
Then Job replied to the LORD:
“I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted."

nth I do will change God' plan for me
i need only to wait upon him...

wishing upon a star at...|3:08 PM|

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Friday, July 15, 2011

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Date a Guy who Loves Jesus

Date the guy who has his heart set on having God’s heart. Date a guy who’s captured by Christ.
There’s nothing more beautiful than seeing that strong man that you’ve known melt in compassion and reverence in the presence of God. To see him fall to his knees, with tears in his eyes and hands held high, without a care to the world watching him. But you will notice, this guy’s got something.
Date the guy who’s not afraid to show it.
You’re lucky if you get him, for they’re not easy to find. They might say that they believe, just to be close to you. But if you find a guy who really loves God, hold on to him. The guy who loves Jesus will respect you. He’ll pursue you, pray for you, treasure you. He won’t pressure you or control you, but gently walk beside you and lead you. He will appreciate you as the gift and beauty you are, and remind you of it every day. The guy who loves Jesus will worship with you. He’ll pray for you, he’ll pray with you. He will lead you with strong hands, stand up when you can’t… but remind you that only God can satisfy. He’ll search you out like the Proverbs 31 Woman, and love you with agape like only he can. Date a guy who loves Jesus with everything he is. He’ll be good to you, he’ll treat you well, and when you spend your life with him, it will be beautiful. He’s been created just for you, and together you’ll find and follow your purpose. Date a guy who loves Jesus because you deserve it. and when you finally find him, don’t forget to thank God every single day he’s around. Or better yet, marry a guy who loves Jesus.

credits to http://nonelikejesus.tumblr.com/

wishing upon a star at...|9:49 PM|

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tomorrow is THE day!!
the day of the CPA exam!
scared scared scared!
esp since we're gona have accounting class before the exam
and we have to cram all that info into our heads before we are tested
:(
jiayous everyone!

am supposed to be studying now
opps
wish me lotsa luck kk!

i miss those days where u wld bring me for dinner & suppers after work...
can u feel it whenever i miss u?
did u ever think of me?

i shldn't be emo!
i am always a happy gal!
teach me to conceal my thoughts and my feelings in front of u....
but yet everyth seems to remind me of u..

had a throbbing headache yest when i went running
my head throbbed with each step i took
as in the movement vibrated through my head
sighz

i have been eating every 2 hrs!
arghhh

wishing upon a star at...|8:11 PM|

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Thursday, July 14, 2011

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am hungry!!
feeling great after my night nap!
been feeling super tired recently
somehow studying seems more energy-draining than working
have been on a binge lately
been eatin loads
ever since the course started
every evening on my way back, i will have an urge to buy food-related items
mon was potato chips
tues: snacks and more potato chips
wed: breadtalk bread
hahas
i jus need food therapy to keep me awake while studying
or rather jus to relieve my exam stress
scaring myself silly by acting so drastically
hmmmmm
been a long while since i underwent such buying food spree

i want to watch harry potter!!
it's out!!!
excited!

koped frm tv:
even if the tears have dried up
doesnt mean the pain is no longer there
it will always remain in ur heart

u do not know that i miss u because u doubt me
but do u noe that u're always on my mind?

wishing upon a star at...|12:06 AM|

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Monday, July 11, 2011

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hilda feels like she's back in school days!
the STI auditorium in capitol tower really feels like NTU LT
and it's really been a year since i actually left sch and my books behind
as well as thrown all that accounting knowledge far far away
hahas
today was the first day of CPA course!
like finally am embarking on what i wan to achieve!
am on unfamiliar grounds
super not used to studying and being a student again
esp since the first day of classes was on taxation
my worse subject in sch!
nearly funked it
but then this ntu lecturer tdy really made me change my mindset twds taxation
kinda wished he was my tutor back then
then prob my grades would have been far better!
he was really funny and entertaining, breaking down all the facts simply and giving illustrations to explain the concepts

really kinda missed the school days all of a sudden
never felt this way before
cox i always preferred working to studying
but now i really wana go back to sch days

it also made me think abt hall days
and abt you
how u were always there with me, accompanying my everyday
thank you. :)
for all the happy memories

wishing upon a star at...|10:07 PM|

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Sunday, July 10, 2011

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went for the sentosa deloitte carnival yest
we went so late
most of the activities were ending already

had carls junior for dinner
then headed off to titanium for drinks
the place is kinda cool
they had mandopop and thai disco performances all the way
then the performers are really good
they can sing and dance really well
super entertaining
drank qt abit
about 5-6 cups
felt super giddy at first
but was alright after i took a break
poor hy puked
:(

wishing upon a star at...|11:40 AM|

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Saturday, July 09, 2011

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nightly i am trying to keep awake while waiting for u to sms
the disappointment is far too great for me to bear
because i tell myself time and time again
maybe tomorrow when he's less tired,
he'll remember me...
but tomorrow will just be the same as today

too many chances given
too many disappointments
too many what ifs

do i still matter?

went last nite with selene to gospel rally at bethesda depot walk
super ulu place
uncle kian huat, in my opinion, was abit nervous cox he had to simplify alot of christian jargon
abit disappointing to see no one willing to come forward to accept salvation
but i am sure that god will continue to speak to them and bring them to him in his own time and ways

there was this story that he used to illustrate that really touched me
it was about this accident that ocurred on the japanese subway
there was a drunkard who slipped and fell upon the tracks when the train was approaching
2 students saw and jumped down onto the tracks to pull the drunkard safely upon the platform
however, as the intervals between trains were about only 1 minute
they were unable to climb up themselves in time
in the end, the 2 promising students perished
the drunkard, awakened, turned back and saw the blood upon the tracks
in fear, he ran into the crowd, never to be found.
when the story was published and raised, there was a public outcry
as one of the students was the only son of a widow
how could the drunkard be so ungrateful for these 2 young men's sarcrifice for him
months later, the drunkard sobbered up and went to seek the widow for forgiveness
the widow said:

My only son died for you,
why did you run away?

the drunkard answered:

I was afraid.

when i heard the story, i was thinking we often run awy in fear
but this gift of salvation is far too great to run away from...
I can only pray that more will come to the knowledge of Him.

wishing upon a star at...|12:28 PM|

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Friday, July 08, 2011

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can I bottle up our happy memories together,
the laughter, the joy and times spent together
seal it with a kiss
and let the waves take it away?

can I bottle up the tears, the pain and sorrow
the times I felt my heart was gona break
pour them upon the beach
and let the waves wash them away?

wishing upon a star at...|11:41 AM|

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Thursday, July 07, 2011

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koped this off fb:

The Greatest Irony of Love

Loving the right person at the wrong time,
having the wrong person when the time is right,
and finding out you love someone right after
that person walks out of your life.

And sometimes,
you think you're already over a person,
but when you see them smile at you,
you'll suddenly realise that you're just pretending
to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing
that they will never be yours again.

For some, they think letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person.
In my opinion, some are afraid to see the only one they love,
being held by someone else.

Most relationships tend to fail
not because of the absence of love.
Love is always present,
It's just that one was being loved too much,
and the other was being loved too little.

As we all know, the heart is the center of the body,
but it beats on the left.
Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right.

More often, we fall in love with the person we think we love,
to only discover that, for them, we are just passing time
while the one who truly loves us remains
either a friend or a stranger.

So, here's a piece of advice:

Let go when you're hurting too much,
Give up when love isn't enough,
And move on when things are not like before.
For sure, there is someone out there,
who will love you even more.

wishing upon a star at...|1:35 PM|

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Tuesday, July 05, 2011

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feel that something has changed
nt sure for the better or worse
fading with time ba

yest went for a run agn!
alwys feel so exhausted after a run
oh wells on the way to being fit!
hahas

watched transformers tdy!
great movie with lotsa action
loved it esp since it was 2 and a half hrs
super value for money
hahas cheapo!
love the way the cars can transform, way cool!

thinking of the camp theme
abit lack of ideas though

wishing upon a star at...|11:36 PM|

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Sunday, July 03, 2011

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during cep today, as we study the book of Job for the past few weeks and the weeks to come,
uncle daniel mentioned about how God does not answer us about why we go through certain things such as trials and temptations
but we still ought to take the leap of faith and trust irregardless of the countless things we do not understand
because his wisdom is far beyond our human capacity
makes me recall what selene told me about hw she learnt the most through God's silence
we often ask God "why this? why that? why make me go through all this, God?"
and we get upset when God does not answer us
but does knowing the answer really makes us happy?
sometimes all we need is to trust and believe that he will make our ways straight

Job 23:10, "But he knows the way i take, when he has tested me, i will come forth as gold"
i hope that at the end of my trial, i can come through it smiling and say thank god!
what a thing to look forward to!

wishing upon a star at...|10:30 PM|

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i love packing my days to the max
but as i grow older, i start to feel my stamina really deteriorating
i am easily tired and sleepy
hahas can no longer stay up till the wee hrs unlike the hostel days
sat was fun! spent with the muffins having korean food celebrating willy's bdae
and going to alley bar for drinks

woke up sun morn feeling v exhausted
skipped morn worship svc and went for cep only instead
then off in the afternoon for tract distribution for gospel rally
gave off the tracts to the different housing units in the block
hope that the residents will come for gospel rally
anw in case anyone reads this and is interested
pls ask me abt it!
gospel rally
thi fri, sat and sun, 9th to 11 july
7.30pm!
will have songs, food and a message!
can come any day
fri is abt Faith!
sat abt Hope!
sun abt Love!
it's gona be at bethesda hall at depot walk
i hope that anyone will ask me to bring him/her and give me a reason to go!
hahas
otherwise i will be really too lazy to go all the way there on my own

then went for facial n signed for package!
:( my face is super red with marks all over!
super ugly
it really hurts like mad wen she was getting rid of all the dirt inside
sighz i feel so disgusted with my oily face
i hope they all heal and i will have perfect complexion
super envious of others with porcelain skin

then off to dinner with family!
daddy bought durian!
yays

wishing upon a star at...|10:00 PM|

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Saturday, July 02, 2011

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thurs went for gym at reen's hse!
love the simple ease of being with her, exercising and catching up
caught a meal at the nearby hawker centre aft tt while watching my 9pm channel 8 drama
we're gona do it agn next wk!
yays

i had a nightmare las nite
it was all my fears coming true
scary

happy start to my day yest!
:)
simple breakfast and simple company
really appreciated the effort...
wish everyday was like that..
hahas

went for a run yest after work
felt really tired after that
but i feel great that i am on my way to being fit
though i dun see any results so far
hahas
oh i tink it def makes me feel better aft having tt sinful gong cha during lunch
jus the thot of having gong cha at international plaza near office makes me happy!
i nv thot gong cha wld have a branch there
hahas
totally makes up for the disappointment that eskimo has shifted awy
hehe
i am sucha bigggg fan of bubble tea!

finally signed up for uob ladies card!
cox they came for a roadshow at our office pantry
it was so much more convenient!
we cld jus run up and print our payslip n pass to them..
looking fwd to getting my pretty credit card soon!

i duno why i keep making u angry
the thing is sometimes i have no idea how i did it
when i have absolutely no intention to
sighz

wishing upon a star at...|10:31 AM|

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